Today is finally election day. As a state employee, one of the perqs is that we get election days off, so I'm actually at home today getting ready to work on materials for my next residency week that starts this Sunday (ouch). Because of having the day off today, last night I decided to go to my indoor game despite having a Quantitative Analysis assignment due. It was due by midnight and I already had most of it done. Of course, you know what they say about good intentions... I came home from the game and went straight away to finish the paper. The problem became that I sorely overestimated my formatting abilities, and underestimated my laptop's abilities. Needless to say, I submitted the assignment at 11:57 p.m. Far less than ideal, so of course, as mentioned in previous entries, my constant companion Guilt has made her presence known on a whole new level today. I tried to justify going to the indoor game with "Grad school is not going to take away everything I like to do-- I'm taking a stand!" And you know what? I lost. To be honest, I think the paper portion of the assignment is good, but Guilt would like me to know that Grad School waits for no one and I might as well get on board with the new realities such as they are. It's a difficult thing to accept (more difficult than I had originally anticipated). It's a mini grieving process of sorts as I say goodbye to prioritizing things the way I want to, and succumb to prioritizing things to the way I have to even more so than one already does as an adult. What is even more depressing is knowing that it's going to be like this for the next two years.
When I was a baby/toddler I never slept (much to my parent's dismay). I didn't take naps, I was hard to put to sleep, and I woke up at the slightest disturbance. My mother says it's because I never wanted to miss something. I guess you only change so much as an adult, because I'm borderline angry over how much I'm going to miss over the next few years. I will miss time with friends and family because of things like drafting up spreadsheets, and papers, reading things I don't understand a word of over and over again, conference calls, etc. all in the name of a piece of paper and a chance to go after the things I want to do "when I grow up". I keep posing the question of "is it worth it?" over and over in my mind. In the moments when Guilt is really raging, my immediate response is "NO, I wouldn't wish this stuff on my worst enemy", and yet, the coming-down-the-pike 30-something in me says "Annie, you have to stick this out." I just wish the 30-something spoke louder than Guilt.
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